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Transcript

Where is God? A video-poem for all who wonder

Or is it a poem-video? It doesn't matter: I'll always use both!

In 1997, I turned 25, had a religious conversion experience through a series of dreams, and had my first bout of depression. It was a big year, and 1998 was as well. The image behind this poem is that of a window made of frosted glass. You can see light and shadow through the pane, but you can’t make out much more than that. This, I thought, is about as clearly as we can see God.

In 2025, I’ve doubled 25 years, and then some. I have a diagnosis of Type II bipolar disorder, and I’ve had several more periods of depression and dysphoria. I’ve spent years devoted to Christianity, in the Episcopal Church, and I’ve spent years unable to walk with the Church. In the last year, I’ve actually begun a formal conversion to Judaism. As a mystic, I’ve had some very brief experiences where for the barest instant I could apprehend God clearly. But more than 99% of the time, it was the frosted glass.

Before I show you the text of the poem, I want to fill you in on an artistic decision I made when preparing this poem for the substack. When I wrote this in 1997, my sense of God was very male. I hadn’t really encountered the divine feminine, so my experience of God was The Remote King Up In The Sky. As a result, I used masculine pronouns. We know that God is not a physical, biological man any more than God is any other sort of physical, biological human, and these days I use a very different approach to name and refer to God. I didn’t see a good way to change the masculine pronouns without wrecking the rhythm and musical line of the poem, so I decided to leave them in place. We can call them yet one more misapprehension I had of God. :)

Where is God?

an original poem by Heather L. Rollins, written September 12, 1997

Where is God?
Through frosted glass
I cannot see
the glory of his face
but only hints
of blurry shadows
hidden from
my seeking eyes.

Where is God?
For though I press
my fingers to
the whitened pane,
I can not feel
his touch meet mine;
I do not sense
his presence near me.

Where is God?
I listen closely
with my ear
held to the door.
His voice eludes me;
muffled whispers
murmur at me,
nothing more.

Where is God?
I cannot smell
nor taste his presence,
do not know if he is near me.
Does he love me?
Are there angels,
saints who intercede?

Where is God?
I want to see him,
touch him, hear
his holy voice
within my soul.
I need him
to make me complete,
to make me feel alive.

Where is God?
I do not understand
why he must
hide from me.
Where is God?
Please give me peace
and love and hope
and comforting.

Thanks for reading Facts and Faith, Trust and Truth! This post is public so feel free to share it.

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